Just Breathe

The past few weeks have been somewhat disharmonious.

In two and a half weeks, my system was subjected to more than it normally has to deal with: from an unexpectedly negative outing, to an old friend passing away, to a private family matter, to a series of uncomfortable health-related afflictions requiring treatment. Amidst the busiest period at the office I’ve genuinely ever had, my brain also still managed to somehow find time to dwell on the frailty and mystery of life. I suppose this was because my niece, Kiana, was born the day before my friend’s funeral.

Needless to say, I was feeling a bit … off. Trying, sometimes needing, to put on that everything was fine when things really weren’t. I felt suffocated, squelched. I started to wish that I didn’t care about these matters at all, thinking that it might be easier if I was oblivious.

It became so much that I couldn’t even bear to post to the blog. Now that’s something, isn’t it?

The thing is, time goes on. We are all built to just get on with it, aren’t we? By tomorrow, Kiana will be nearly two weeks old. It will be only one more week before I leave for my trip to England - a trip I’ve been waiting for ever since I booked it in January. And yet, here I am, knowing that this too, shall pass, asking myself once again: “When will I get a better week?”

I normally have a number of resources to turn to whenever I feel a bit lost, but sometimes it’s not about support. Sometimes it feels too personal. Sometimes I just don’t want to talk at all. My co-worker is familiar with this, so often in the past few weeks have I told her I’m “crawling into my hole” (a.k.a. hiding in my office).

I’m still not all that with it. But I’ve made one conscious decision. I’ve decided to go back to yoga:

“The connection between balance and breath is undeniable. When you find you have lost your balance on the mat or in life, simply start breathing. It’s a free resource.”

Whether it’s out of desire or necessity, it really doesn’t matter - and I really don’t care. If the only reason to go back is to start breathing again, I’ll do it.