Write On

Sold Everything. 65 posts, last published on June 7, 2007.

Should I even be here?

This is the question I have asked myself, ever since I got back from the UK in May, and wrapped up Sold Everything in June of last year.

I’m a student. Or, at least I was for a great number of years. In fact, I was one for much longer than I ever thought I would be.

Because of this, I am inherently conditioned to feel that the time of year to get everything organized is September i.e. when classes would normally start. That arrangements need to be made in May when classes end. Again, in September. Then again, in May - and so on, and so forth.

The rest of the world seems to try and get organized in January, à la New Year’s resolutions. This, in theory, I can understand: new year, new beginning, new you. Right?

You know as well as I do that resolutions mostly come to no avail. It’s good to have goals, but I’d say resolutions are pretty well on par with crash dieting and going to the gym if, deep down, you secretly want nothing more than to stuff your face with lasagna and sit on the couch all evening.

I would like to make no resolutions. Not now, not next year, not ever. Instead, I would like to reset.

“What’s the difference?” you may ask. Well … I’ll get to that in a minute.

Sold Everything: my pride and joy. My sweat and tears when I needed to publish, my solace during times of freak-out and my pain in the ass when Blogspot refused to cooperate. And I loved it, all the same.

When it was over, I was sure that I would be back within a few months. Needless to say, it’s been a bit longer than I’d expected.

I was hesitant to start anything new. And I’m still not convinced that I should be back now. Oh, I’ve had plenty of things to say. But I felt that to rant without any clear direction would just be that - ranting.

Surprisingly enough, I didn’t want that.

To me, Sold Everything had a clear, overarching theme: Miss Ang goes to London. Here’s what I did, here’s how I felt, this is me and my experience.

But now that I’m home, on the 9 to 5, nearly settled? I mean, c’mon. How boring, right? Where’s the angst? The fascinating new theme? The argument or premise to go by?

Ranting, with a focus, is no longer just ranting. That, my friends … is art.

I work in PR. I love my job, and because I never want to be fired or looked badly upon in this town, this means that posts such as “My F-Word Post” can never happen again (to the dismay of many, I’m sure). Which makes me wonder: if I have to watch what I say, if I have to censor my own blog, my own work, then what on earth is the point?

Fact of the matter is, we all censor ourselves to some degree. While I may comment publicly on a certain dissatisfaction with my life/work/living condition, there will always be some secret, something not to be shared in e-space … just as you may never tell your best friend absolutely everything, or divulge what goes on behind closed doors, or cite every single income source on your tax return.

So, is it really that different to write about certain topics and not others? Is worrying about certain levels of censorship merely unfounded? Does it matter that I cannot, or will not, be able to disclose everything? If a tree falls in the forest … well, you get the point.

Once again, I ask: should I even be here?

I talked this over with Sarah R, many months ago, worried about the quality of my work and that it would never be as good as the original installment. Even now, as I write in this very moment, I still worry about what I can’t say, that which will never make it to e-space.

Said Sarah R: "Write anyway."

Resolutions are meant to be solemn declarations. Oaths we make to ourselves to become better people - whatever that might mean. It’s no wonder that, when we end up not keeping those resolutions, we feel a sense of disappointment, or even failure. We experience this anticlimactic emotion to something that we may have really wanted for ourselves, but were defeated by in the end.

The difference in resetting, is merely to set again. To rearrange. Or, reorganize. It’s not necessarily a goal, or a vow. It’s just … arranging things differently to see how they all fit.

I’m hitting reset. Not in September, not in May, but right now. Why? Because nothing ever stays the same. Do I consider my return to Vancouver as fairly unremarkable? Am I feeling a bit lost when I even think about ranting online? I cannot say everything I want to say - does it matter?

Yes.

But … I’m just going to have to live with that.

Regardless of the concerns I may have, I still want to write. Matt’s gone back to England for a few weeks so I’ve got plenty of sleepless nights to get back on the blog. And Howard has no need for me to help do his job for him so, gotta entertain myself somehow.

I am obviously not done in e-space. Not yet, anyway.

Let’s just say, this is a personal experiment meant to discover what happens in the space of 12 months when a few things are moved around, or rearranged. Put in a certain order to be used in a certain way.

Let’s see what happens.